Campden Voices 

by The Old 'Un, 02 June, 2006

A travelling man came up to me
Asking directions of Park road.
I scratched me yud to some extent
It’s summut I should have knowed.
I couldn’t think without a drink
So I suggested ‘e ease ‘is load
And imbibe upon the cider jar
In the pub across the road.

‘E said ‘e thought ‘e recognised
Just where we was a sittin’,
‘E could tell by the smell
But somethin’ was a missin’.
I told ‘im the smell was water
A floodin’ in the drain
That’s ‘ow this narrow street
Got it’s name of “Watery lane”

‘E was sure there was a garage
An’ then ‘e said he thinks
There was a fish and chip shop
Run by a man called Billy Jinks.
An’ what about the pigeon lofts
The orchards with bee hive domes.
I told ‘im they ‘ad long made way
For rich folk’s retirement ‘omes. 

Then ‘e looked across the square
And said “you take’s me for a fool.
Over there’s St. Catharine’s Church
Next door to the Catholic School”.
I ‘ad to take me ‘at off
An’ wipe the sweat away,
I was a ‘opin’ for another drink
An’ ‘opin’ ‘e would pay.

‘E turned to a dark haired man
With fifty years a drinkin’ scrumpy.
Who warned ‘im strait away
“This stuff’ll make yer grumpy,
It can cause yer legs to bend
In some very funny ways,
Gives yer ‘ands the shakes
An’ muddle up yer days”.

“Never mind the cider, man!”
‘E sez to my surprise.
“I think this man I’m drinking with
Has pulled the wool across my eyes”.
Now I sees ‘e’s got a wobble on
So I tells ‘im what I’ve said is true
“Come out side with me” sez I
An’ I’ll prove it just for you.

Prove your case sez, ‘e
An’ I will buy a large amount of beer
Enough for you to drink all year
In the bar of the Volunteer.
I fills ‘is mug up from the jug
By now ‘Is eye’s be open wide
So’ I sez “I’ll prove to you
There’s no Park Road outside”.

I ‘elps ‘im from ‘is stool
to look out from the door,
The cars be bumper to bumper
Each day there’s more an’ more.
I sez “You won’t find any spaces
So now I thinks I’m owed
All them pints you promised me
‘Cos you can see! there’s “No Park!” Road”.